There are mostly useful for me only memories of various psychotropic medications I’ve been on to combat my depression, anxiety and borderline personality disorder.
Current:
- Citalopram (20 mg)
- Lamotrigine (25 mg)
- Pregabalin (150 mg)
- Trazodone (25 mg)
Antidepressants
Escitalopram (Lexapro) (20 mg)
This was the first antidepressant prescribed to me by a psychiatrist, with a setup of added Gidazepam for the first month. I’ve taken it for 1 month, gradually titrating from 5 to 10 to 20 mg. Now that I think about it, it could’ve worked for me if I had a little more patience and different circumstances.
Escitalopram + Gidazepam
The combo of an antidepressant+long-lasting benzo sedated me a lot, I was practically unwilling-unable to move around, and mostly laid in bed, melancholic, though relaxed, sedated and tripping. Being horizontally situated on a soft surface was the most pleasant sensation of all, I was indifferent to everything else.
Prior to that, my depression came with a bundle of jittery anxiety, I was often discomforted-energetic-wired, walking around sick and disgusted with everyone, struggling with talking to them, only feeling remotely passable when I’m on my own, though still sad and nervous but not unbearably so. So a switch to complete tired lounging all the time was noticeable, of course I had days when I had problems with getting out of bed, but fatigue was not nearly my main issue (or rather, it was, I was permanently tired, but functional, and the medication made me un-functional).
Escitalopram + Pregabalin
A bit more than halfway through the first month, I threw out Gidazepam and added on Pregabalin. The combination made me more energetic, but also downright manic, impulsive, maxed out on initiative and drive but also quite frenzied and obsessive, unable to think straight, making atrocious decisions, increasingly getting into hyperactive spirals of fixation on social media and dating apps (though I feel like it’s the quintessential right state to succeed there, unfortunately). It’s not something I want to repeat ever again. I generally didn’t feel a good effect of the antidepressant: it didn’t stabilize my mood (though that might’ve been muddled by Pregabalin), and my concentration on most things was as shitty as ever.
In the end, I felt like Escitalopram was not right for me, and asked for a switch.
Vortioxetine (Trintellix/Brintellix) (5 to 10 mg)
It was one of the most pleasant things I’ve taken, though it didn’t pan out in the end. I’ve taken it for 2 months.
In about 9 days I noticed some energy improvement during the morning and afternoon, felt less depressed overall, and somewhat less anxious too. I had an easier time interacting with people, conversations were flowing smoothly, I could relax and enjoy social happenings. Difficult situations felt stressful but not overwhelmingly so; I felt like I was experiencing life more fully and more vividly, with a certain lightheartedness to it at least some of the time, like I was breaking out of a harsh concrete box.
I experienced absolutely no side effects on 5 mg, and didn’t care to take the anti-nausea medication that I had prescribed to me together with vortioxetine.
Unfortunately, eventually the depression returned, together with increased stress and anxiety-inducing situations; I took Pregabalin on-and-off for especially difficult stuff, but I only had a couple of pills with me and had absolutely no ability to buy more; eventually, I ran out.
I had bumped my vortioxetine dosage to 10 mg, but it didn’t make any difference, except for making me nauseous. My state declined severely, and I had been prescribed duloxetine, but with no way to get it quickly, while searching for a way to transport it safely, I got even worse, and eventually spent some weeks in a psych ward (at least I was able to get duloxetine there).
To conclude, I had a mostly-positive/neutral experience with the medication; it felt good for a low/moderate stress environment, or together with an anti-anxiety medication. It worked subtly and marvelously with no adaptation period or side effects while I had a more secure situation.
Duloxetine (30 to 60 mg)
I took it for around 1 month, first 30 mg for around a week, then had it bumped up to 60 mg. I would likely be unresponsive to 30 mg, as the blood tests showed 60 mg got me barely higher than the concentration that’s required for the medication to work.
On 30 mg, I experienced little to no effects (but I was also on it only for a short time), though changing the environment and feeling more secure in it has made me substantially calmer.
60 mg started working in about a week, significantly improving my concentration, willpower and energy; I had drive and dedication, self-reflected a lot and did lots of work on myself, returning to abandoned hobbies and artistic pursuits. I felt fulfilled and confident, like I came to life. (It didn’t stop suicidal ideation, though)
I experienced a strong crash in 2 weeks after starting it, which coincided with return to a highly uncertain, unsafe-feeling environment with lots of pressure. The side effects dawned on me: nausea in the morning and after eating (I also experienced zero appetite and could run on one small sandwich for the whole day), brain zaps (especially when relaxed/sleepy), and extreme constipation that was barely solvable with laxatives. I also stopped feeling the light improvement in mood I had before, and lost energy increase; concentration and willpower persisted, though. I felt extremely low, like I rarely did off pills.
Eventually I discontinued it, quite rapidly without tapering since I had no 30 mg capsules and for some reason had an irrational aversion to just opening the capsule.
Discontinuation effects
Immediately after disconnecting I suddenly felt wired, manic in a tired dissociated-inattentive way, having a lot of energy but not being able to use it effectively.
Later: bouts of nausea, dizziness, lightheadedness, vision changes (double vision, blurriness, feeling like everything is swirling around me, objects moving and the whole field of vision shaking ever so slightly; concentrating on a single object made it even worse), fatigue, vague discomfort.
Citalopram (20 mg) + Lamotrigine (25 mg)
I’ve only started this, so don’t have any data yet.
Benzodiazepines
Gidazepam (20 mg)
This is a Soviet designer long-lasting (86 hours half-life) benzo; it was prescribed to me temporarily together with escitalopram to ease out any unpleasant entrance symptoms. The thing sedated me a lot and for a long time; I practically couldn’t get out of bed after taking it, lying was magnetic and really, really, really hedonistically pleasant. My mind was foggy, I wasn’t eager to do anything at all, the maximum activity for me was listening to music. I spent days in that state, only coming down to eat and support my existence.
In a few weeks, I had made a decision to stop it. I doubt anybody should be on it daily, anyway; it’s strong and I’d only use it in acute cases (but for that, for me personally Pregabalin works better, improving mood and energy).
Lorazepam (0.5-2.5 mg)
Gave me a really trip-like feeling I eventually learned to fish for; it was best experienced lying down (same as with Gidazepam), listening to indie, lo-fi, hip-hop music (all music felt psychedelic as my discerning of different instruments was unexpectedly heightened with duloxetine use). Best way to describe the high would probably be like extreme pleasant dissociation, a disconnect from the world around me, entirely forgetting it exists at all, tranquil floating in empty space, almost merging and becoming one with the sound. The high wasn’t too long-lasting, and left a sweet-savory feeling after, yearning for more but also having energy to do things (unlike with gidazepam which threw me into a long dreamy muddled fog for days).
Withdrawal
The withdrawal was brutal. I was put on 2.5 mg a day (0.5 in the morning, 0.5 in the afternoon and 0.5 in the evening) at first for my acute state; at first tapering was mildly unpleasant because of the habit of lying down and mentally levitating above everything a couple of scheduled times a day, but not impossible to stand; but the taper was fast, I was taken off it in just a few days, and the results were intense.
When I didn’t get my lorazepam for a day, I had strong anxiety, a headache, confusion about what’s happening, my mind was slow and it pained me to think. I was fearful, horrified even, with no reason to be so; all I could do is be curled up in my bed, not in pleasure but in pain, sweating so much my bedding smelled foul after that weekend. A feeling of loneliness descended onto me, and I could feel my pulse in my back really uncomfortably. My sleep was terrible, I wasn’t able to relax even though I was tired from the experience. I once woke up from being unable to breath in fully; having run tests on me showed no problem, so it was likely from anxiety. This persisted for 2-3 days.
After discontinuation, I’ve been having sleep troubles for 3+ weeks now. Medicating it with trazodone seems to work, though.
Other meds
Pregabalin (75-225 mg)
A real life-saver, reliably improving mood, anxiety and energy, making me functional, more responsive in conversation, more attentive and attuned to social needs of others, and overall a better human being.
I started with 75 mg in the morning and 75 mg in the evening for anxiety, and had my issues reduced substantially. Nowadays I take 150 mg in the morning which works even better for energy and mood.
The side effects for me are as follows: light dizziness, a feeling of slight drunkness (only on >=150 mg) toward the evening, agitation, a slight hypomania with heightened physical energy, slurred words (there’s a heightened impulse to talk, but when you’re talking it sounds quite unbalanced and messy; though other people notice it way less).
Developing tolerance for it (>2 weeks daily use for me) is unpleasant, though, since the anxiety effects fade and only dizziness remains, with loss of coordination and feeling of light drunkness persisting for some days. But it’s solid as something that pulls you up from depressive states.
Pipamperone
No effect on me at all. After a week of being on it, I had discontinued it.
Trazodone (25-50 mg)
Technically, it is an antidepressant, but I take low doses of it for sleep. It works well and causes no side effects, except for difficulties with getting out of bed in the morning; I’ve noticed it makes me a tad too relaxed.
Armodafinil (75-150)
WIP